December 2011
31 posts
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Destination: Daughter
Your destination, the GPS repeats, is on the right in 600 feet.
I am in Cary, North Carolina.
Only 600 feet from reuniting with the daughter to whom I gave birth 18 years ago today.
I find my destination.
My phone.
My voice.
Are you here? she exclaims.
Yes…are you here?
Oh my God! Yes!
Come outside?
Yes!
We’re still holding phones to our ears when she emerges.
Our eyes meet and our phones...
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(Can't Contain It!)
“I am itching with anticipation for your next entry! I hope you realize you have the support of Tumblr behind you, cheering you on, and hoping for the best in your life. You and the beautiful story of White Elephant in the Room continue to touch all of us in so many different ways.” — An Admirer, India
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Lucky Is...What Lucky Wears
I’ve packed outfits for meetings with Vogue editors.
Dinners with international hoteliers.
My own wedding brunch.
And yet.
This two-day trip to North Carolina has me scratching my blonde head.
I mean, how many times do you meet your 18-year-old daughter for the first time?
How many times will we replay this reunion in the years to come?
So, yeah: the outfit.
My favorite Paige jeans and lucky...
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Sliding Doors
In the year following Alberto’s death, I couldn’t fathom holiday traditions without him.
So I made them as different as possible:
Escaped to West Palm Beach for Easter.
California for Mother’s Day.
Instead of Jersey for Thanksgiving, I flew to London.
Traded Noëlle in Quebec for Feliz Natal in Brazil.
As 2009 marched into 2010, I started testing the waters.
Spent Mother’s and Father’s Day...
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(Happy Holidays, White Elephant!)
“Your writing—along with an epiphany, a conversation with an English professor and a handful of failed chemistry exams—has inspired me to pick my pen (or laptop?) again and switch to an English major. What you do and how you express it means volumes to myself and others. As a long-time follower of White Elephant in the Room, please keep doing what you’re doing…you’re an...
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Market Research: In the Bag
Going to a wine store with Alberto was not unlike going to a boutique with a fashion merchandiser: while you’re drooling over ankle boots, they’re dissecting the front-of-store, judging wall and counter displays, evaluating the retail layout.
Whenever Alberto and I stopped “for a bottle of red” at the Jersey wine market near his sister’s house, we never got out in under 45...
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(Love, Legacy + Telling It Like It Was)
“I’ve been following White Elephant in the Room for awhile, but when you mentioned the closing of Revolución, I googled it for the first time. I’m so sorry his business met its demise, but what accolades! What an incredible man you married! And frankly, what an incredible woman and writer he married. In my family, when someone dies, the deceased becomes sainted: we only talk about the strengths....
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Chances...Aren't
My breath catches while channel surfing.
Freezes on a frame of a young Robert Downey, Jr.
His smile—with its crooked, bee-stung lips—is the celebrity twin of Portugal’s.
So, when we first met?
And Portugal’s face seemed inexplicably familiar?
It was only because…he resembled someone famous?
Someone equally famous for his, um, addictions?
The film is called “Chances...
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Throwback Thursday: When Traditions Collide
I’m a girl who comes with a box of Christmas ornaments.
When I was a kid, our family made snowmen with top hats, skiing pandas on popsicle sticks, plastic apples with our names in gold pen. As my brother and I grew up, the ornaments were store-bought and commemorated a hobby or some significant event: convertibles when we got our first car, a globe for my first trip abroad, a filigree of...
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The Revolución Will Be…Finalized
Revolución.
The ad agency Alberto co-founded with his best friend and business partner 11 years ago.
The agency that’s been struggling since his death.
In 24 hours, it will struggle no longer.
It will close its doors forever.
Tomorrow, the place where Alberto spent half his waking hours for nine years will cease to exist.
The office he designed and furnished and staffed will be empty.
Another...
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Last Stop: Koreatown
It was two hours before anyone mentioned Portugal at last night’s holiday party.
The sound of his name made me dash into a bathroom.
Lock the door.
And dry heave.
Two weeks ago, you and I were in Koreatown, singing like it mattered.
Two weeks ago, you knew where I stood:
I love you, Portugal, but you can’t keep disappointing me. These past few weeks of last-minute cancellations because of...
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(Gushy Gushings of a Self-Proclaimed Fangirl)
“Of all the blogs I follow, your posts remain my favorite. You have the ability to transfer your emotions into your readers—even if we have otherwise never experienced them. I have often gushed to my friends about White Elephant in the Room and many of them have witnessed my geek-outs when you ‘heart’ one of my posts! No doubt when I’m in NYC for Christmas, I will have many...
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(The White Elephant Saga)
“Your daughter is truly gorgeous: such a light and sweet soul…unlike Portugal, who proved to be neither light nor sweet. What you wrote in 100 Proof about getting a taste of your own behavior: I can relate. It just doesn’t feel just like ‘freedom’ when you’re on the other end of it. Trust me when I say you’ve been spared, White Elephant.” — Brenda, California
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Tell Me Everything! Start at the Beginning! Or...
Her voice is a nonstop flight of laughter and effervescence, and our stories keep tumbling over each other.
Sorry, you go!
No, no, it’s your turn!
I learn the names of her best friends.
And where she spent her 16th birthday.
She shares the details of her first kiss.
I confess how much weight I gained during pregnancy.
Answer her questions about Italy.
And about surviving the loss of a...
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Sweet Child of Mine
Corresponding with the daughter I gave up for adoption 17 years ago—who surprised me with a friend request in July—is what I imagine online dating to be like.
At first, you’re super tentative.
Hyper-conscious of the persona you’re cultivating—or decimating.
You spend hours drafting your first replies.
Which you send out for feedback.
As an adoptee, how would you receive this message?
Does it...
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Small Plates + Conspiracy Theories
A month ago, Portugal and I scheduled dinner with two out-of-town couples.
A few days ago, I adjusted the venue.
And the number of guests.
Um, five—not six—people.
Last night, I sat at the head of the table.
And explained why you weren’t beside me:
You were too busy to attend my first book reading.
Your apartment is still something I’ve never seen.
You wouldn’t acknowledge me if I encountered...
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(Chin Up, Kid: You're A Survivor)
“When I discovered my wife hanging from our garage rafters, it was 16 ashen hours after she died. Her twisted body still haunts me six years later. I know no God in any form, and yet I pray daily for the people who helped me through that awful week. You were one of the people, Tré. You refilled my glass the night we found her and clipped my nose hairs before the funeral. I have never forgotten...
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Details + Differences
No one’s filling my apartment with flowers.
Or taking out the recycling.
Or replacing the five-gallon water bottles.
Or kissing me in the elevator.
These are the details that half-slay me.
But that’s all they are:
Details.
I figured out how to manage the details after Alberto’s death.
And I’ll manage the details post-Portugal.
Loss is loss, I’ve always said.
Houses, relationships,...